Rona’s Jokes - page 1
€30
A well-to-do couple suddenly found themselves fallen on hard times. The wife - a resourceful woman - decided to take steps to remedy the situation before they became destitute. She decided, reluctantly, to work as a prostitute for a while to provide the much-needed cash. After some deliberation the husband, also reluctantly, agreed.
“But darling”, he asked, “Take the mobile phone in case you have any trouble”.
His wife agreed, and after getting herself ready, went with the mobile phone to a suitable spot.
After a short time, a man driving a car pulled up beside the woman.
“Excuse me, how much do you charge?” he asked.
“Er, €70”, she said to the man.
“I’ve only got €40”, the man replied. “How much do you charge for hand relief?”
“Excuse me just a moment” she said, and went around the corner, to use the mobile phone.
“So, how much do we charge for hand relief?” she asked her husband, explaining.
“€40 then?” ventured the husband.
“OK” she said, and returned to the man in the car.
“€40”, she replied. The man agreed, so she got into his car and set about the business in hand. She immediately noticed that the man was very well endowed indeed.
“Excuse me - just wait a moment” she said, got out of the car, and again went around the corner, again to use the mobile phone.
“Darling,” she said to her husband, “Can we lend him €30?”
On the roof
One day, a businessman is in his office, when his secretary rushes in and says, “I’m sorry, but your home rang to say that your cat has been hit by a car whilst crossing the road, and it is dead!”
The man is shocked, and says, “No, no. You can’t say this to people. You must say at first, ‘There is no problem, but your cat is on the garage roof, and we can’t get it down’, then later, ‘The cat has jumped to a tree near the road, but it is not in much danger’ and so on. You have to prepare people.” The secretary saw how unfeeling she had been, and agreed with the man.
A few months later, the secretary walked into the man’s office, smiling, and said, “There’s absolutely no problem - it’s just your home phoned to say that your wife is on the garage roof, but they expect to get her down soon!”
The Potato
A young man went on holiday to the sea-side.
When he went on to the beach, he noticed another young man, of about the same age and appearance, who had a lot of beautiful women flocking around him.
“I wonder why those girls are paying attention to him, but not me?” he wondered.
Walking around the sea-front that evening, he spotted the same young man. Plucking up his courage, he approached the man, and explained his puzzlement.
“Well,” said the man, “I’ll let you into my secret. I’m stopping at a boarding-house, so in the middle of the night I sneaked downstairs and took a potato from the kitchen. The next morning, when I was going to the beach, I stuck the potato down my swimming-trunks, and when the girls saw me, they were all smiling at me, and coming to talk to me!”
“Thanks,” said the first young man, “I’ll try that myself.”
As the young man was staying at a small hotel and not a boarding house, he went shopping the next day, and bought a potato from a shop. He then went back to his hotel, got changed, stuck the potato in his trunks, and went down to the beach.
To his horror, each time a girl saw him, she looked disgusted and then ran off. After about ten minutes, he again saw the second young man, again surrounded by girls, and went up to him.
“Excuse me,” the first young man said, “I’ve done what you said, but all the girls run away from me.”
“I’m not surprised,” said the second young man, “You’re supposed to put the potato down the front of your trunks!!!”
You are 53
A man went shopping and called in at the butcher’s. He bought his provisions, and as he was paying he noticed a large bright-coloured badge on the assistant that said, ‘It's my Birthday today’.
The man wished her a happy birthday, and asked how old she was. “I’m 23 today”, replied the girl. The man then said, “People can never tell my age, can you guess how old I am?”
The girl looked at him, then replied, “Perhaps 35-40, maybe even 42 or 43”.
“No”, replied the man, “I’m 53!”
“No, never”, responded the girl.
“Yes, I am” replied the man, “I keep myself healthy and I run 3 miles every day.”
“Well”, replied the girl, “I would never have known”.
* * *
The man then went to the bus stop, and, a few minutes later, a lady in her mid 60s came and stood next to him. “Has the 174 gone yet?” she asked him, “Because if I’ve missed it, I’ll have to catch the other bus, which means a 10 minute walk - and at 67 it’s a bit too much for me.”
“Are you 67?” said the man, “Well, I bet you can’t guess my age - nobody ever can!”
“Well”, she responded, “I will be able to tell you exactly how old you are, but to do this I need to put my hand inside the front of your trousers”.
The man said, “This is ridiculous - this is impossible.”
“No”, said the woman, “I guarantee it.”
Reluctantly the man agreed, so the woman placed her hand down the front of the man’s trousers, and started to have a feel around.
“Well?”, asked the man.
“Wait a bit longer”, said the woman, and continued to explore what she had been exploring before.
“Well?”, said the man, again, a bit more firmly this time.
“Just one moment longer”, said the lady.
She then stopped, withdrew her hand, and said, “You are 53 years old.”
“Well”, said the man, “I’m sorry for doubting you, but how did you know that I was exactly 53?”
“I was stood behind you in the butcher’s shop and heard you say so”, the lady replied, smiling.
The Worm
A little boy was visiting his grandparents’ house one Saturday afternoon. He and his grandfather were in the garden, the grandfather reading his newspaper whilst the boy sat on the grass. The little boy noticed a worm emerge from its hole next to where he was sitting. He took hold of the worm’s head and pulled it out of its hole.
“Very clever!”, said the grandfather, lowering his newspaper. “Now what would be even more clever, would be if you could put the worm back.”
So the boy took the worm, and tried a few times - without success - to push the worm back into its hole. After a few moments’ thought, the boy went into the house, and returned with a tin of spray starch. He laid the worm out straight on the grass, sprayed it a few times, and pushed the now rigid worm back with ease.
“Well done, my boy!”, said the grandfather, “Here’s a few cents - good thinking!”
* * *
The following Saturday the young boy again visited his grandparents.
“Now then, young man”, the grandfather said, “Remember last week when I gave you a few cents?”
“Yes”, said the little boy.
“Well”, replied the grandfather, “Here’s €10 from your grandmother.”
The Sports Centre
A man joined a Sports Centre, and, after exercising, went to use the shower.
When he entered the shower room, he was shocked to see three men, all in a line, having sex together!
He went straight away to the Manager’s office, and informed him of this.
“Did the man in the middle have brown hair and a moustache?” asked the Manager. “He did,” replied the man.
“Yes, I know him,” said the Manager, “- and he’s lucky at cards, as well!”
Camel
A company of soldiers had recently been posted to a remote base in the Sahara desert. The group of men examined their bleak surroundings with dismay. After a few days staring at the dunes and guarding the base, the new company were beside themselves with boredom. Their captain decided to approach a more acclimatised soldier for some man-to-man advice.
“I say, old chap”, the captain began, “What does one do for women around here?”
“Well, Cap’n”, replied the soldier, “We use the camels, you see”.
“Really!” replied the captain, with some surprise. “Well, thanks for the advice”, he said, and went away to pass on the information.
* * *
An hour or so later, the Captain again approached the old soldier.
“I say, thanks awfully, the camel idea worked a treat!”, the captain said, smiling.
The soldier looked puzzled. “If you don’t mind me asking, sir, how did you get to the tavern in the village and back in that time? The camels aren’t usually that fast!”
The Tap-Dancing Duck
A man walked into a pub, carrying a duck and a biscuit tin.
He placed the tin on the bar, with the duck on top. The duck immediately began to tap-dance. The man then ordered a pint.
A man that he knew, sitting on the next bar stool, could not help looking at the tap-dancing duck.
“Excuse me, mate, but that’s amazing. I’ve never seen a tap-dancing duck before”.
“If you like, I’ll sell him to you. €100.”
The second man thought about it for a few moments, and decided this was not an opportunity to be missed.
“OK then”, said the second man to the man with the duck. He got out five €20 notes and placed them on the bar.
The first man picked up the money, and handed over the duck, still dancing on the tin.
“He’s all yours. Thanks”.
With that the first man finished his pint and left the pub. The second man left a few minutes later, carrying his prize.
By 8 o’clock the next morning, the duck had still not stopped tap-dancing. What had started off as a novelty to the second man’s friends and family was becoming an annoyance. The duck just carried on tap-dancing. Unsure what else to do, the man looked up the other’s phone number, and rang him.
“Excuse me, mate”, he said, “But this duck, how do you stop him from tap-dancing?”
“Easy”, replied the first man. “Just lift the lid off the biscuit tin, and blow out the candle inside.”
Claws clipped
One day, two dogs met in the waiting room of the Veterinary Hospital. One dog, an Irish wolfhound, asked the other, a poodle, why he was there. “I trod on a sharp piece of wood,” the poodle replied, “And my owners are bringing me here for an anti-bacterial injection, so that my paw will not become septic.” The poodle then asked the other, “Why have your owners brought you?”
“Well,” said the wolfhound, “The lady of the house, my owner, was having a bath, and when she got out and was getting dried, she bent over and, well, I knew that it was wrong, but I couldn’t help myself – I just jumped on her, and, er, well; you can guess what happened.”
“Oh dear,” replied the poodle, “Is she going to have you put down?”
“No,” answered the wolfhound, “She’s brought me to have my claws clipped!”